I hope i'm back

Did I fast forward my life? Has the time passed by faster than usual? Or am I still dreaming in my sleep in India? These are the questions that came into my mind when I saw the date today which made me realize that it’s been a year for me here in US and it’s been more than a year since my last post in this blog. Time passed by very fast and my body got rotten by one more year. Though it was fast it was fruitful as I made new friends, met new girls and had new crush’s (as always). Life was the same expect that I started seeing it in a different way. In a way which doesn’t make me feel bad when I put stuff on someone’s door and run away, in a way which makes me feel good for working continuously for almost 15 hours a day, in a way which made me realize how hard work could fetch us fruitful results and in a way which made me realize what I actually wanted. The world around me now is completely different. It changed in a way which doesn’t allow any shitty thoughts to enter my mind, which allows me to think properly and stay organized and most importantly made me forget all the bad moments from my past days. I’m happy that all these things happened in my life and I feel like it’s just destiny which led my way here into this but still it’s the people around me who are responsible for this change. But the only thing I regret about is that I was soo lost in this small world around me that I didn’t even get a small thought at the back of my mind to put my experiences into words. But at last It took 6 beers and one shot of rum to make me write this post and I hope i'm back and would write more in future.

The After Math

Just reached home after saying a last good bye to all my beloved freinds at the farewell party. I had a big blast in mind before I left but it was way beyond a satisfactory level but still those last moments with friends were really memorable. Waving a last good bye to the college I felt like I’m leaving my last breath of a life and entering a new one.

A small scintilla of thought of what I’m today just passed my brain. The thought was so small but the disturbance it caused cannot be cured even with a bottle of whisky. I’m in the midst of nowhere. In these four years all I done was nothing. I tried my level best and felt like I succeeded in a few things but they didn’t help me in getting even a single admit.

I ignored and neglected all the spice for a few small things and at last ended up like a loser. Nothing went well for me. Rite after the farewell I saw people having a bright smile on their faces bidding farewell to their bounded mates. I was not even successful in finding one.

Now from this second I’m a typical unemployed Indian the other name for a loser. From now on I have to start searching for a job. Start planning for my future carrier. I donno if I will succeed but the lessons I learnt from the past experiences in college will sure help me out. At least I will not repeat those stupid mistakes again. Hope everything goes well but this time I think I will not have any time to concentrate on girls. I missed all the chance that I had in the past years and now I don’t have any time. I think I will end up in an arranged marriage like a typical Indian. But still the ultimate gift of god to dream is still with me so at least I can dream about her every time I feel low. That will be more inspiring than anything to me.

Those Memorable Days

24 more hours left for me in this beautiful college. I can’t believe that I have to leave this college in a few days. It still feels like I just joined the college. I still remember the first day of my college life when I sat with my mom in the first row of the seminar hall dressed in some weird style. That was the day when I saw my first crush. Days passed and I started making new friends in the class. Then started the interaction sessions with seniors. I was frightened in the beginning but later felt like fun and it also helped me in a few ways to communicate with girls.

More days passed by and we started having the real fun. A few People started talking to their crushes and few others were busy making plans to talk while a few others like me just sat at the back and used to laugh for themselves. Gradually all the crushes started reaching their edges a few got serious and few got separated. I have no idea where mine has gone. Then we gradually started late night hangouts with friends, playing games during class, passing comments on girls and of course had a few wired moments when got caught but still had fun.

Time passed by and we grew older and more mature than ever and of course few extra habits also got added up in our curriculum. Then we became seniors. Everything changed from then. The first thing that changed for me was my crush. This time it was neither my classmate nor my college mate rather she was my bus stop mate. The ragging lessons that we learnt in first year were put to test when we had our juniors. Our status increased in the college and we started Organizing parties and dealing with more mature projects in the college (don’t get me wrong they are not subject projects). Then there came an end to my second year and also an end to my second crush. This time I really felt her loss. Of course I never spoke to her but still I felt like I lost something in my life (I think that’s too heavy).

Then came the dashing third year. We grew older and fatter and added more habits to our curriculum. We started seeing change in ourselves with our lips getting darker and bellies hanging down the waist. But the same old story continued inside the class. This time I didn’t have any crush but I had all my options open. The only remarkable thing that I could remember in my third year was the Industrial tour we had. It was like a once in a life time trip for us. The third year was a bit smoother than the first two, the main reason was we didn’t have many controversies and fights and most importantly it was more smoother for me as I didn’t have any crush.

Then came the final year. There were only two words revolving in my mind when I entered my final year, they are GRE and TOEFL. By the time I finished them I lost half of my final year. The rest was totally collapsed by the political drama in our state. But still we had remarkably memorable moments together. The last New Year, the last Holi, the last fresher’s and especially the last days in our labs were all exciting and we had fun like never before and the most exciting of all is my last crush in my college life. Hope it lasts long this time

I wish I had a time machine to get back and enjoy those days again.

I dedicate this post to all my beloved classmates. Guys do comment if u have read this.

First Kiss

The first kiss that I got according to my memory stats was dated long back when I was in second standard. It was actually given to me by one of my classmates as a bribe for an extra b’day chocolate, she used to be very cute. After that I had a few other situations where a few people (I mean only females) kissed me and even I tried my luck some times but they are not that memorable as they all happened in my childhood and lacked the spice.

Now after a long time I got a chance to taste the real spice. It was after the farewell party, she was dressed in a red saree with matching lip stick and hand bag and walking along with me on the silent pavement. We are leaving to our home the next day and donno when we are going to meet again. I had a feeling of excitement on one hand and a strange feeling on the other hand which is irking me.

I felt like I had a lot to say to her before I leave but there were no words coming out of my mouth. This may be the last walk that we may have together as I may not meet her again in future. I had feelings for her but never directly expressed them. I wanted to finalize the matter, but I donno how to do that. All the way I was trying my level best to bring out some words out of my mouth but it was really tough. It was even stranger that even she was silent, I never found her like that before.

I wasted a lot of time and there was not much left over as we almost reached her hostel. It was a bit crowded in front of the hostel so I just stopped and thought of talking to her. I caught her hand and stopped her and started trying to bring out some words from my mouth. She looked really cute with her lips shining under the bright street lights. She was watching right into my eyes and my tongue has gone numb and there were no words coming out my mouth.

We stood there for some time like that talking with eyes. I gradually took a step forward and came face to face with her. I saw her closing her eyes as I was nearing. The nearer I was getting to her the more energy my body was taking to move forward. I was approaching in a dead slow speed and all of a sudden I saw her open her eyes and she moved forward and gradually touched her lips with mine. The warmth touch of her lips indulged loads of energy packets into my body. I raised my hands and put them on back of her head touching her smooth silky hair and enjoyed the warmth for a while. The feeling was like having 100 beers in a single stroke. Then she just pulled away from me and started walking away from me. I was totally confused, I was wondering if I had done anything wrong, then she turned around and gave me a smile and signed me too call back. That second I realized that it’s just the beginning.

The Proposal

It was back in the first year when I first tried to propose to her. It was the fresher’s night. She looked like an angel in the white chudi she wore that night. My eyes were moving like they had some motion sensors inserted inside her. The letter in my shirt pocket is pounding my heart and I can’t wait to give it to her and express my feelings. She finished her dinner and was waiting for her car all alone in the parking lot. I saw her there and started walking towards her. My whole body was vibrating with fear and my heart was beating at jet speed. I tried my level best to stay still and walk steadily. I was nearing her and just when I thought the job was almost done I realized that the letter in my pocket was missing. By the time I started my search mission she left the place.

I decided to try again after a long time. This time in the second year during the annual week celebrations. I was one of the organizers and I had a chance to interact with the participants. She is interested in extra curricular activities and of course I was there to help her. This time I tried to use the practicing room as the place. This time I confirmed that the letter was in my pocket. I saw her relaxing in the chair after practice. I made sure that she was alone and started towards her. The Vibrations started again in my body. I tried my level best to stand steadily and all of a sudden I saw the dean entering the room. I saw him shouting at me. Donno why but he was really serious on me. Then I realized that I had to be at the presentation organized for the sponsors. He was very angry and cancelled all the programs organized by me. Even the participants turned red on me for wasting all their practice. I saw her face totally disappointed and thought she would never like me again.

The next time I had a chance accidentally. It was during the Industrial tour organized by our college management. We are on our way for a sight seeing in Manali. There we had a horse ride on the snowy hills. On our way back there was a shortage of horses and I had to wait for the horses to return. I was all alone by myself as all my friends could grab their places on the horses. I looked around to see if there was anyone left. There I saw her sitting alone having a coffee. This time there my body is vibrating not because of fear but because of the cold. I felt like it could be the right time to express my feelings as no one around understands our language and there would be no problem if she yells at me or scolds me. I tried to finish the smoke that I lit and started towards her and by the time I reached her I heard the horse guy yelling at me to come back as a horse just arrived and I can go on it. I asked him to take her instead and lit another smoke.

And then I reached the final day of the final year. The farewell party has started and I was there again totally dressed up with the flowers in my hand and letter in my pocket. That was the last chance to express my feelings. The speeches part of the party just ended and I saw people greeting each other. I stood up and started searching for her. I saw her at the coroner with her friends dressed in a red saree. She was looking very beautiful. I picked up the flowers and was getting ready for the mission. To my surprise this time I saw her approaching towards me. I was very much excited and the same old vibration thing started again. I saw her smiling at me and felt thrilled. She was nearing me and my vision went almost blank and the next second I saw her greeting a friend next to me. He introduced her to me as his girl friend. My pounding heart broke and I could imagine the letter in my pocket turning red with the gushing blood. I left the party early that night, Spent many sleepless nights before I recovered from that incident and then only I realized that Never should a person be late to say I LOVE U.

(I would like to dedicate this post to one of my best friends and his ****** whose obscure story made me write this post)

The Mail

It was 4 in the morning; the sharp blade in my hand is waiting for its chance to pass through my blood vessels to allow the ebullient blood to gush out. The only thing passing through my mind was the single sentence mail that I got from her stating ‘I don’t have any feelings for u, don’t ever try to reach me again”. The lappy screen in front of me is indicating low battery with the mail opened in it but there was no sensation in me. The skin on my face was burning with all the dried tears and was forcing my eyes to close down.

I was trying to keep them open as these were the last few seconds of my life. My entire mind was blank and the only thing that I could see is her face and the only thing that I could feel is that she is not mine anymore. That feeling was like a hell and her image in my mind was irking me. I had only one choice to get relieved from this pain. That is by killing me. I tried my level best to bring the blade nearer to my Blood vessels but the coward ness in me was resisting it from touching them.

The slow track from the film gitanjali is still increasing my pain and I couldn’t tolerate it anymore. But my hands were not in a position to let the blood out and relieve the pain. I threw the blade aside and picked up the cigarette and lit it up and took a deep puff which made me feel relaxed for a moment. I felt like shouting but I don’t want to wake my parents. The time is running out and the sun is getting ready to illuminate and my hands were still shaking and I donno wat I have done to myself.

For the first time in my life love felt like a pain. I always used to laugh at people doing this kind of things but when it’s my turn I realized the truth. Love sure is a pleasant feeling when everything is going on well but when something goes wrong it sure will pain a lot and will choke ur heart. The intensity of pain is more than the last time when I had stitches without any anesthesia. The feeling that our loved ones is making out with someone else is really hard to digest. My life seemed like a blank page with all the content erased. I felt like there is nothing more left on this earth for me.

Then suddenly I started hearing the voice of James Blunt. It was the Alarm. My moms leaving to Delhi and I have to drop her at the station. Then slowly I got up and opened the window it was already six and as I opened them the fresh air hit my Eyes and soothed the burning skin. I saw people on the street performing their daily duties. Nothing has changed; everything is at its place nothing’s distorted except for the pain inside me. Then I heard my door knocking and my dad yelling at me to get up, I cleaned up all the mess on my bed and threw the blade outside and opened the door.

I covered my face with a napkin pretending as though I was rubbing it on my face. My mom was getting ready and asked me to fetch an auto by the time she’s ready. I cleaned my eyes and washed the burning skin on my face and started on to the street to fetch an auto to the station. On my way neighbors and friends were greeting me with a pleasant good morning. I saw people laughing, crying and struggling but none of them are dying. It was really a pleasant morning and more pleasant for me at least after that hard episode last night. I fetched an auto and dropped my mom at the station and came back to my home. I deleted the mail and refreshed myself with a nice bath and never thought about it again.

A Twist in the Tale

It was 6 in the morning and Billie Joe started singing on my mobile. I woke up and tried to stop it before my bro gets crazy on me. I looked at the reminder on my mobile and realized that it is this day that I’m waiting for from my childhood.

I took out the Archetypal pink colored letter from my almari and read it. I spent more than one month preparing that and today all those efforts are going to be put at test.

I stood in front my dressing table and had an outlook of my appearance. I realized that I need a make over for the big moment. I rushed to the parlor and tried almost all latest styles and at last fixed to short spikes one which looks good on me.

Then I started my search mission for the costume. I scanned my whole almari but couldn't find a good combination that could impress her. She likes black but I don't have any. I made sure that my bro is still asleep and opened his almari. To my luck he had a cool party ware black shirt. I slowly picked it up and left the room. I put those on after the bath and spent ages in front of the mirror and then took out the letter and applied my mom’s imported perfume on it. At the breakfast table mom gave me a complement that I looked good but that didn't help my nervousness.

On my way to the college I made sure that none of my gang members are attending the college as it was Saturday and none of em are interested in es, the only theory class that we have on that day. As I entered the class I observed that the boy’s row looked deserted except for the fist two benches. I tried to have a look at her but the prof entered the class before I started looking back.

All the time during the class I was thinking on how to approach, how to start the conversation and I was waiting for the break. As soon as the prof left the class I saw all the girls rushing out. I tried to have a look at her but it was not possible. But her voice during the attendance made me confident that she was there among them. I rushed to the waiting room and made sure that I was looking good.

As I entered the food court I started scanning the whole place for her. As it was Saturday female population dominated and it was hard to find her but after a long search I found her at the corner with her friends. She was wearing the red dress which was my favorite. She looks really cute in that dress.

I waited till her friends left the table and I started towards her. As I was walking my hands were shaking with the letter in my hand. I saw her feeling tensed as I was approaching her.

I said ‘hi’ to her and asked permission to have seat at her table. She looked tensed and inconvenient with my presence. I had a few convers with her earlier but they were all subject related and happened only in labs. This was the first time I was sitting in front of her. I never stared at her for so long from this less distance. She was looking really gorgeous. I slowly picked up the letter and put it on the table. I saw her staring at the letter furiously. That added up to my nervousness. Then I Slowly raised the letter and gave it to her and asked her to read. My whole body was shaking now as she was opening the letter. I could smell the fragrance of the imported perfume as she was opening the letter. I could look only at her eyes as the rest of the face was covered with letter in front of her. Then she lowered the letter and I could see the gentle smile on her face. Then I suddenly started hearing my mother’s voice from somewhere. She was yelling ‘wake up wake up it’s already 8, it’s getting late for ur college’. I opened my eyes and I found myself in my bedroom. Then I realized that it was a dream.